Thursday, December 23, 2010

Our Little Love Bug

The posts below are all the entries that I made but kept private since we found out about this pregnancy. I was saving them up for when we outed ourselves.

November 2, 2010 6:20am

Dear Love Bug,

It has been just 3 days since we found out about you. It was 2am on Saturday and I couldn't sleep because I was feeling nauseous so on a whim, I took a pregnancy test. The pink line I have been looking for for the past year and a half appeared almost right away. I sank to the floor and cried because I was so happy.

A few minutes later, I went and woke up your father who was fast asleep. Waving around the pregnancy test, I managed to get out "It's positive" before bursting into tears. We hugged and he rubbed my back until I stopped crying. Already practicing his comforting techniques for fatherhood I guess.

The next day was Halloween and it was your parents second wedding anniversary. We went out to brunch and you were the #1 topic of conversation. Planning and hoping and wishing.... Afterwards we went over to the bookstore and bought a pregnancy journal so I can have a keepsake of my time with you. We spent the rest of the day at home with Gatsby, taking pictures of him in his Halloween costume and carving pumpkins. I kept imagining you next year, trick or treating in your stroller while Gatsby walks alongside. Maybe you will be a ladybug or maybe you will be a lion..the costume possibilities are endless. We got Italian take out and toasted with sparkling Apple Cider to our two years of marriage...and to the future.

We love you so much already, our Little Love Bug. Get all snuggly and warm where you are, stay put and grow strong. We can't wait to meet you.




November 3, 2010 6:33am

The initial excitement that I have felt in finding out that I am pregnant again has worn off a teensy bit and has been replaced with something else: nerves. I was warned about this and somewhat prepared for this by others that have been pregnant after a loss/infertility. I WANT to be enjoying every second, relishing in the fact that there is a baby growing right now but there is a part of me that thinks something will go wrong. So of course, every feeling I have is over analyzed x1000. Some of the symptoms I have are welcomed, as they are a sign of pregnancy and that my body is doing what it should.. For instance, my boobs feel like someone has used them as punching bags; YAY!! I mean that sincerely. In fact, at any given time of the day, you can find me squishing them to make sure they still hurt.

However I also have some other weird things going on. Like I can hear my heartbeat in my ear. All the time. Google is your enemy in a situation such as this. According to Dr. Google, it could be high blood pressure, which I have never had in my life. So of course, I got really nervous and took my BP on my moms automatic machine....135/90!! THAT IS HIGH. I have never had high blood pressure in my whole life. This makes me so scared. Of course, my nervousness could be causing the high BP but you KNOW I am going to tell the Dr. today about it.

Then there is the constant checking for bleeding. I HATE having to pee because I dread seeing blood. I haven't seen any but I always imagine that I will. I dream about it in fact.

I hope with time and monitoring from my Dr, my nerves will calm down a bit. I miss the days of blissful pregnancy ignorance where in my mind, there was no chance I would lose my baby and every day was an endless stream of happy dreams and wishes for the future. I still have wishes, but they are a little tinged with cynicism at times and that sucks.


The BP Machine is My Friend

November 3, 2010 5:26pm

I went in for my second betas today. First betas at 13 days past ovulation were HCG 114 and Progesterone 19. Today they were HCG 225 Progesterone 20. My Dr. was happy with those numbers and I am scheduled for more bloodwork and first ultrasound this coming Monday when I will be approx. 4 weeks 6 days pregnant.  I am super nervous about this ultrasound because I know it is too early to see anything more than a gestational sac but it is my RE's office policy to do a placement ultrasound this early to rule out an ectopic pregnancy so I just have to keep telling myself that it is no big deal.

I spoke to the Dr today about my blood pressure and my concerns. My regular Dr. wasn't available at the time but his partner was and he was a bit ominous about it, saying I would need to go to a High Risk OBGYN and using other scary words. But he did suggest that it could be my nerves driving my BP up and suggested that I keep track of it and take it several times a day, especially when I am sitting and at rest. I've taken it several times today and I am feeling A LOT better. The #'s so far have been:


I feel a lot better now. Hopefully they stay consistently in the normal range so I don't have to lose sleep over them.

Love Bug's First Ultrasound

 November 8, 2010 10:45am

I went in for my first ultrasound today at 4 weeks 6 days. I was terrified to go to this appointment. I know that this early, the most we are going to see is the gestational sac and I just kept telling myself that as I drove to the office, sat in the waiting room and then sat on the table waiting for the ultrasound tech to come in. Dr. B said the only reason for an ultrasound this early is to rule out an ectopic pregnancy (which I KNEW it wasn't because my ute HURTS) but I was scared we would see nothing and I would leave the office feeling uncertain and even more nervous.

There it is. Our Little Love Bug. They were able to see the yolk sac in addition to the gestational sac and Dr. B said that is a great sign this early.  When the ultrasound tech left the room I sobbed. I was just so relieved. All the tension I had been holding in was released in that moment. I have a feeling this is how it is going to be for every ultrasound appointment in the first trimester.

I also showed Dr. B all the BP's I have been taking and he said they are pretty normal so I was relieved however he did think that my pulse was a little on the high side so he is ordering thyroid tests.  I am happy that he is so on top of my health and care. He is the best.

Grow Little Love Bug!! Grow!


November 9, 2010 2:20pm

Five weeks pregnant today!! Every day that goes by I thank God, the Heavens, Mother Earth, Karma, the Planets and anything else that I can think of for this baby.

Hormones are surging and with that comes crying at virtually everything. The simplest thing can make me burst into tears but today was a doozy! My Mom has this huge collection of A Winter Solstice CD's that she has been aquiring since I was a teenager. She has to have at least 20 of them but my favorite is A Winter's Solstice III I uploaded all of her CD's to my itunes and I was listening to them this morning when the song Lullay, Lully by Barbara Higbie came on. I immediately burst into tears. It is the most beautiful lullaby and I always imagined singing it and rocking a little baby of my own. I had completely forgotten about it until now.

The hard part about being pregnant after a loss and infertility is not being able to be confident in your pregnancy, not being able to be sure that this time next year, I will be rocking my baby in my arms and singing this song to him or her. Right now I am taking it one day at a time.

Here is the song if you want to hear it:


Six Weeks!

November 15, 2010 12:01 am

Baby's now the size of a sweet pea!
Growing like crazy, baby is starting to sprout eyes, ears, nose, cheeks, and chin. Those little hands and feet -- still webbed like paddles -- might wiggle by week's end, the heart is beating (almost twice as fast as yours!), and blood is starting to circulate.

Six weeks pregnant today! It is "the scary time" right now. In 3 days, I go in for my second ultrasound where, hopefully, we will see Love Bug's heartbeat. This is the point that we did not get past last time. I am terrified. But I am also really hopeful.  I am nauseous all the time and I LOVE it. I had no nausea last time and nausea is caused by a surge of pregnancy hormones so every time I am feeling sick, it is so reassuring. I am also exhausted and I am loving that too. After almost a year of battling insomnia, you don't know how awesome it is to lay in bed and fall asleep right away. 

We Have A Heatbeat!

November 19. 9:22am

Mark and I woke up at the crack of dawn this morning so he could go to the second ultrasound before work. I was incredibly nervous. If Mark was, he didn't show it at all. This is the point that we never got to last pregnancy. We never saw a heartbeat. I was terrified that we would get bad news.

See that little white blob in the middle of the big black blob? That's our love bug! Heart is beating strong at 123 beats per minute which is a great number for the sixth week. I am over the moon. 


Seven Weeks!

November 23, 2010

Baby's now the size of a blueberry!
Baby's brain -- both hemispheres! -- is growing fast, generating about one hundred new cells every minute. Arms and legs are emerging as joints start to form, and a permanent set of kidneys (baby's third!) is now in place.

I'm excited to be at blueberry! Our Love Bug seems more tangible now, I'm more hopeful and I'm starting to believe that Love Bug will be our take home forever baby. Still lots of nausea and exhaustion and I'm still loving it. As much as is stinks to not be working right now, it is nice to be able to take 2 naps during the day and to not have to get up early and go to an office when I feel like I'm going to barf. 

Next up: 3rd Ultrasound on 11/29. I will be 7 weeks 6 days. Dr. B. says that if that ultrasound goes well, he is releasing me to an OB. I mentioned to him that I was considering seeing a midwife and he advised against it. He suggested I go to a practice of OBGYN's that have a few high risk doctors because he wants my thyroid to be very closely monitored. I was disappointed for half a second and then decided I'll do what he says. Anything that will help us bring Love Bug home in July is OK in my book.


November 29, 2010 12:10pm

Hi everyone! That's what I imagine this little Love Bug saying in this ultrasound picture. Marcia says the baby is giving us the thumbs up to let us know that everything is ok in there. So our 7week 6day appointment went great. it is amazing to see the heart muscle working and beating. Love Bug is measuring 8weeks 2 days and heartbeats per minute are 171. Great numbers!! I said goodbye to Dr. B. It was bittersweet. I love the office and I know all the people there and they know me and will squeeze me in and accommodate me in whatever I need. I have an appointment with Dr. O on 12/6. He is the MFM that Dr. B. recommends I see because of my thyroid (MFM aka Maternal Fetal Medicine aka high risk OBGYN.)

We told our parents and siblings for now. We decided we didn't want to wait until Christmas. We'll save our extended family for then.

November 30, 2010 8:50pm

Baby's now the size of a raspberry!
Baby is growing like mad, putting on about a millimeter every day and continuing to straighten out in the trunk. Though you can't feel it yet, baby is moving those little arms, legs, and (now only slightly) webbed fingers and toes like crazy.

Love Bug is Getting so big! In other news, none of my winter coats will zip up!

December 6, 2010 5:50pm

Just got back a little while ago from my first appointment with Dr. O; the high risk OBGYN Dr B. recommended to me. I actually didn't see Dr. O. at all, instead I saw his NP Laura who was all kinds of awesome. I was with her for almost two hours, discussing my symptoms, history, all the tests that Dr. B. had already done, etc. Plus I got my  flu shot. I liked the office a lot. Definitely a lot better than my old OBGYN office.

Dr. O and Laura work pretty closely with Dr B. at Stony Brook. After Laura went over everything with me, she told me that Dr B. is a wonderful Dr. but believes that a lot of patients need to go to high risk OBGYN's when they really don't so their compromise is that they start me off with the high-risk doctors and then when I am well into my second tri, they will let me decide if I want to continue with them, switch to the regular OBGYN's at the office or switch to the midwives at the office. She also gave me the option of having the midwives working with the Dr's as a team and this made me so so happy. I really wanted to go to the Stony Brook midwives before Dr. B. said I shouldn't so...yay!

They also changed my due date to July 11th...just one day. Next appointment is 12/23 where we will have the NT scan. This will be the longest I have gone this pregnancy without an ultrasound...about 3.5 weeks. The waiting is driving me crazy...I am so scared of having a missed miscarriage, but I am taking it one day at a time and repeating the mantra "Today I am pregnant and I love my baby."

December 6, 2010 6:30pm

Baby's now the size of a green olive!Your little embryo has now officially graduated to fetus-hood. Adding to the excitement, a Doppler ultrasound device might be able to pick up the beating heart. With basic physical structures in place and increasingly distinct facial features, baby is kind of starting to look like...well...a baby!

December 13, 2010 3:44pm

Baby's now the size of a prune!With bones and cartilage starting to form and vital organs beginning to function, baby is making major progress. Body length will almost double in the next three weeks, and arm joints are now working. (Soon, legs will start working too.)

Double digits! For some reason I have been really looking forward to ten weeks. I guess I see it as a milestone to go from single digit weeks to double. Baby is the size of a prune which is the only fruit in the entire 40 weeks that I have never had and have no idea what it even looks like, except for this picture. But WOW. 1.2 inches. That's big! Love Bug is growing right along, huh?

I've still got tons and tons of symptoms (nausea, fatigue, sore boobs, etc.) I've also got a little added anxiety because we aren't seeing Dr. B. anymore therefore I am not getting my (almost) weekly ultrasounds. In fact, I am not having another one for another week and a half (Dec 23rd.) More specifically, that day we are doing the NT scan and I have to admit that I am more nervous that the baby's heart is still beating than I am for the screening. I think a weight will be lifted if everything goes well at that appointment.


December 20, 2010 12:18am

Baby's now the size of a lime!Your fetus currently enjoys a 1:1 ratio between body and head, and has skin so transparent that blood vessels show right through it. But fingers and toes are no longer webbed, and hair follicles, tooth buds, and nail beds are forming -- setting up a significantly more attractive future. 

I love limes. Key Lime Pie, Limeade, a few slices of Lime in my Gin & tonic (when I am not pregnant, of course,) you get the idea. Just two weeks until Love Bug and I reach the second trimester and I am so excited!

My belly is getting bigger. I don't think I look pregnant. To be honest, I think I just look fatter but on Friday I was wearing a pretty form fitting sweater and my Mom said I definitely look pregnant. She was probably just being nice. I need to get some maternity pants STAT. I just hate tight pants. The pressure on my belly is so so uncomfortable. I got one of those Be Bands from Target but I'm not really a fan. Bring on the elastic waist pants, please!

In other news, I have a UTI which stinks because all my home remedies for UTI pain are no-no's in pregnancy (super hot bath, sitting on a super hot heating pad and knocking back 3-4 advil.) So I'm suffering through it and drinking lots of water. Let's hope the antibiotics the Dr. gave me works. This particular prescription has not worked for me when I have had a UTI in the past but you never know if it will work this time so here's hoping.

Also, our home doppler came in the mail on Saturday. It is kind of early to find the heartbeat on a home doppler but I tried anyway and when I couldn't find it after 20 minutes, I confess I freaked out. I tried again later with a full bladder after I put the doppler to my neck to make sure I knew what my pulse sounds like. I was super patient and I am pretty sure I heard Love Bug's heartbeat for 3 seconds and then WOOSH...the little bugger swam away. It was so fast and loud and sounded nothing like mine.

3 more days until our NT scan where, God-willing, we will see our little babe wiggling and bouncing around with a strong steady heartbeat. What a great Christmas it will be after that!



Shea Family said...

I hope you keep up these posts. I enjoy going along this journey with you!

Karen said...

That heartbeat will just get stronger and stronger, being able to hear it whenever you want (NEED) to will be something that definitely keeps those nerves at bay a little. In the year before I got pregnant and through my first trimester there were 4 people I knew who miscarried. I had so many of those "something's going to go wrong" feelings myself - and I didn't even have to feel that loss first hand! Just hang in there, pray a lot and remember that dr. Google is often wrong and a little crazy! After a while I only allowed myself to search on specific sites and stayed AWAY from the forums. Opinions of crazy moms do not mix well with preggo hormones!!!!

Hope the UTI is feeling better! Hugs!