Friday, May 20, 2011

Remembering

Last night, after checking the weather and looking at the date, I realized in absolute horror that I had forgotten the 2nd anniversary of the day we lost our baby bean, our first pregnancy. Now, to someone who hasn't experienced this, it may seem like not much of a big deal but to me, it was devastating that I forgot because I promised that little one and myself that I never would. I never want to forget the one glorious month that I lived in pure ignorant bliss, so excited to be pregnant and feeling like everything was falling into place for Mark and I. In hind site, I was really naive...and our bad luck was just about to begin.

I know Mark didn't remember and I didn't say anything to him either. Even though I know he was so upset when we lost our baby, I just don't think that men feel it as deeply as women do. Our bodies physically expel our baby...it is so indescribable.

I felt pretty awful when I realized I forgot. Like a really bad Mom. I promised that baby when it left my body that I would never and could never replace them. It is so so hard for me when people ask me if this current pregnancy is my first baby. I always say yes, just because it is easier but in my mind I am screaming  NO! There was another baby and s/he was our first and I love that baby so so much that it hurts.

So in remembrance of baby bean, here is everything I have...everything I know and never want to forget:

I am pretty sure Mark and I made baby bean the night of my Sister-in-law Marcia's 25th birthday party. Here we are...blissful newlyweds (and very drunk:)

I found out I was pregnant on April 27, 2009. Here is the pregnancy test I took that day:


When I was around 6 weeks pregnant, we went on an already planned trip to the Dominican Republic. In the back of my mind, I have always blamed the trip for taking my baby...the pressure of the plane ride or the foreign food. All the doctors told me that was nonsense and that these things just happen but I think I just looked for answers. Here we are all tanned and happy:

I started spotting the day after we got back from that trip. A few days later, ultrasound confirmed that our little blob on the screen had no heartbeat...and that it was over. I should have asked for a printout of that ultrasound. It didn't occur to me at the time to ask for it but I wish I did. It was a gorgeous May day on Long Island and Mark was home from work so we decided to spend the day in the yard with Gatsby. I popped a few hydrocodone I had left over from getting my wisdom teeth pulled and passed out on the hammock but before I did, I gave Mark my camera and told him to take pictures of me and us. I knew I would want to remember. Here are 2 of them:


I feel better thinking about that time and looking at the pics. If there is such a thing as a soul or a spirit and the spirit of our baby is out there somewhere, I want him or her to know that I didn't forget and I can never ever replace them. Sorry for the depressing post...I just needed to get it out.


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