Remembering

Last night, after checking the weather and looking at the date, I realized in absolute horror that I had forgotten the 2nd anniversary of the day we lost our baby bean, our first pregnancy. Now, to someone who hasn't experienced this, it may seem like not much of a big deal but to me, it was devastating that I forgot because I promised that little one and myself that I never would. I never want to forget the one glorious month that I lived in pure ignorant bliss, so excited to be pregnant and feeling like everything was falling into place for Mark and I. In hind site, I was really naive...and our bad luck was just about to begin.

I know Mark didn't remember and I didn't say anything to him either. Even though I know he was so upset when we lost our baby, I just don't think that men feel it as deeply as women do. Our bodies physically expel our baby...it is so indescribable.

I felt pretty awful when I realized I forgot. Like a really bad Mom. I promised that baby when it left my body that I would never and could never replace them. It is so so hard for me when people ask me if this current pregnancy is my first baby. I always say yes, just because it is easier but in my mind I am screaming  NO! There was another baby and s/he was our first and I love that baby so so much that it hurts.

So in remembrance of baby bean, here is everything I have...everything I know and never want to forget:

I am pretty sure Mark and I made baby bean the night of my Sister-in-law Marcia's 25th birthday party. Here we are...blissful newlyweds (and very drunk:)

I found out I was pregnant on April 27, 2009. Here is the pregnancy test I took that day:

When I was around 6 weeks pregnant, we went on an already planned trip to the Dominican Republic. In the back of my mind, I have always blamed the trip for taking my baby...the pressure of the plane ride or the foreign food. All the doctors told me that was nonsense and that these things just happen but I think I just looked for answers. Here we are all tanned and happy:

I started spotting the day after we got back from that trip. A few days later, ultrasound confirmed that our little blob on the screen had no heartbeat...and that it was over. I should have asked for a printout of that ultrasound. It didn't occur to me at the time to ask for it but I wish I did. It was a gorgeous May day on Long Island and Mark was home from work so we decided to spend the day in the yard with Gatsby. I popped a few hydrocodone I had left over from getting my wisdom teeth pulled and passed out on the hammock but before I did, I gave Mark my camera and told him to take pictures of me and us. I knew I would want to remember. Here are 2 of them:

I feel better thinking about that time and looking at the pics. If there is such a thing as a soul or a spirit and the spirit of our baby is out there somewhere, I want him or her to know that I didn't forget and I can never ever replace them. Sorry for the depressing post...I just needed to get it out.

Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss: What to Do/What Not to Do to Help

The picture above is a badge made by the wonderful people at Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope for their I Am The Face campaign. October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day and the goal of the I Am The Face campaign is to try and take away the taboo and shame that goes along with a pregnancy loss. People don't like to talk about it and they don't know how to talk to or support someone going through it plus so many women never tell anyone that they are experiencing a loss because they are embarrassed. Either way, the grieving Mother usually ends up feeling isolated and alone and the I Am The Face campaign is trying to change that. If you check out their website, you will see that they have the faces of 2,000 women that have experienced this kind of loss, representing the 2,000 people that this happens to every day in the United States alone. I am face # 406.

Since it is October 15th, I wanted to post something about what to do if you know someone that going through miscarriage/stillborn/infant loss. I have read a lot of articles about this, talked to a lot of women in my support group and gotten their suggestions and just sat and thought about my own experience. These suggestions are a combination of ideas from those sources.

Before I get into my What to do/What not to do lists, I want to say something about support. Supporting someone is not always the easiest thing to do. A woman going through this might seem like they don't want your support/need your support...they do. They might not even realize it themselves. They probably do not want your advice. They definitely don't want you to explain why this happened. They might not even want to talk about it at all. But it is better for you to do something rather than nothing. A card, e-mail, or text message saying simply that you are thinking of them goes such a long way. You might not get a response because they might not be ready to respond. Giving a grieving Mother support is not always easy or convenient. They may seem "unapproachable" which makes giving support that much more difficult. If you care about them and their pain, go out of your way for them. They appreciate it even if they don't show it at the time. That being said, here is my what to do/what not to do lists that I complied from my own thoughts, suggestions from my support group and some great articles.

What To Do

- Say "I'm sorry for your loss."

- Let her talk about it as much as she needs to

- Let her NOT talk about it as much as she needs to

- Set a specific date/time to see/support her. She may not be emotionally capable of reaching out to you so you need to reach out to her. 

- If the couple has other children, offer to help out with them

- Cook them a meal and drop it off. Comfort food is always a good thing.

- Let them feel how they feel for as long as they want. Be tolerant of them. Intolerance of their pain from loved ones is sometimes worse than the pain itself.

-On the same note as above, ask them how they are doing a month, 2 months, 6 months later. The pain doesn't go away when the bleeding stops.

- Give something that can act as a memorial. Be careful with flowers because some find it painful to watch them die. A plant that can be planted in the yard and blooms every year is a great idea though.

- Say something kind to them on Mother's Day, the Estimated Due Date of the baby, and the Anniversary of the loss. These milestones are hard, even years later.

What Not To Do

- Do not say any of the following: "It was God's plan, It was for the best, Everything happens for a reason." These cliches are not comforting. You do not need to explain away why this happened. "I'm sorry for your loss and I'm thinking about you" is much much more supportive and comforting.

- Do not ask if they are going to adopt now

- Do not say "You are still young."

- Do not say "It was early, it wasn't a baby yet." I know that seems OBVIOUS but to some it isn't.

- Do not say that you know how she feels. Even if you have experienced a loss yourself.

- Do not say "so-and-so had a miscarriage and she's pregnant now."

- Don't not talk about it and do not avoid her.

- Don't talk about her with others in your family or mutual friends. By that I mean, don't have conversations when she is not around that consist of "so-and-so is still depressed...she needs to get over it" and "so-and-so is so unapproachable now." It WILL get back to her and it WILL hurt. Badly.

- Do not try to cheer her up. Doing this may feel like you are not acknowledging her grief.

- Do not say "At least you know you can get pregnant."

I hope that reading this helps those who have a loved one going through this kind of loss to support them and to those that are going through a loss, I hope reading this helps you to realize that your feelings are valid and that you are not alone. Our society wants to sweep pregnancy loss under the rug and make it a hush hush topic that no one ever talks about but by doing that, we are making the aftermath of the loss so much worse for grieving parents. I think we can all agree that no one wants that.

Some articles to refer to:

http://www.preconception.com/articles/miscarriage/helping-a-friend-survive-miscarriage-3017/

http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/helping-a-friend-through-miscarriage-faq.htm

Loss Story on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

I recently submitted our loss story on a really awesome website called Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. I say awesome because they are trying to take the taboo and stigma away from miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss parents so that they do not have to feel isolated and alone. It may seem like a small thing but I am immensely proud of myself for doing it. You can read my story here:

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Book Review (sort of): An Exact Replica Of A Figment Of My Imagination

I read this book in one day. It is sad and hopeful, about an American woman living in France that has a stillborn birth in the 40th week. I would review more but just thinking about it makes me sad. Barnes and Noble has some good reviews:
Barnes and Noble Reviews

I am starting True Colors by Kristin Hannah today. I never heard of her before but someone recommended this book to me and I was pleasantly surprised to find when I went to get it at the library that she has lots of other titles. Hopefully I like this, then I will have a bunch of books to add to my list.

~Miranda

Playing the What If Game

Today is the Estimated Due Date for our pregnancy last May (that resulted in a miscarriage at 7 weeks in case you didn't know.) It is weird because I find myself playing the what if game. What if I didn't have a miscarriage? Would that baby be here already or would I still be pregnant? Was the baby a boy or a girl? Would we have stuck with the names we liked early on (Aiden and Mackayla?) What else would be different about our lives?

I never really talk about the miscarriage anymore except with a handful of people, simply because the subject makes people uncomfortable. I have noticed that in general, our society wants us to get over it and never mention it again. The sooner the better. It is such a taboo subject yet it happens to 1 in 5 pregnancies. It makes me sad that there are people that have gone through the same thing but never tell anyone.

The reality is usually, the Mom doesn't get over it. It changes you as a person. And yes I say Mom because I am one. The second you get that positive pregnancy test, you are a Mom. You are in love with your baby.

Mark is home today and we are spending the day together, relaxing and hanging out with Gatsby. I hope to stop playing the what if game after today is over. Not so I can move on because I don't think I ever will but so I can move forward.

Surprises, Loss, Changes and Hope

Hey everyone! Miranda here. I know we haven’t posted in a while but so much has been happening, as most of you probably already know. So here is a BIG FAT UPDATE.

First of all, I found out that I was pregnant on April 27th (Mark’s Dad’s Birthday.) We were ecstatic because we weren’t even trying yet. We had planned to start trying that month so we were happy that we were able to conceive so easily. We told our families on Mother’s Day weekend and then took a week-long vacation (which I called our baby-moon) with Sean and Gabbi in the Dominican Republic (more on that later.) One day after we got back, I started bleeding and a few days later the Dr. confirmed that it was a miscarriage. I was 7 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I wish I could say that I am over it but I am not. When I would hear about this happening to other people, I used to think that it was no big deal and that it would be easy to get over. I guess you don’t really know until it happens to you. We are hoping to try again in a few months and pray that this time, everything will be OK.

Back to our vacation. We had so much fun! Sean and Gabbi are THE BEST vacation partners. We spent our days in the infinity pool or in the ocean and our nights eating yummy dinners. It is so hot in DR that you can’t not be in the water all the time.

More news: The Muscular Dystrophy Association is closing the district office that I work in and eliminating my position. I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, Mark and I are saving for our future so it is going to take us longer to purchase a house with a lot less money coming in. On the other hand, working for a non-profit organization in this kind of economy is extremely stressful and I don’t think that kind of stress is good for a woman that wants to be a Mommy. We are going to make the best of it for now. I may take some time and recuperate from the miscarriage, maybe take a class or two and then see what is out there job-wise. I feel like this happened for a reason, and I don’t know what that reason is yet, but my gut tells me it is a good thing.

So you might be asking yourself, where does Hope come in? A lot of people have been calling me and e-mailing telling me how sorry they are about the baby, about my job, etc. It is sort of a non-stop pity-party. I want everyone to know that it is so nice that everyone is worried about me but you don’t have to worry. I have Hope. I know everything will work out in the end for Mark and I because it always has, and I really believe that if you have faith that things will work out, than they will. We have Gatsby to cuddle every night, a miracle considering that he was knocking on death’s door just a few months ago and we have each other. That’s all we need right now. I am thankful.